Alone

It’s weird, but I expected to be feeling happy. My wife and two children went back to England this morning to visit the grandparents and to let me work solidly for the week and give me a fighting chance of meeting my deadline. I dropped them off at the station this morning and felt the tears begin to well up as I waved goodbye to my 2-year old as she stood by the train doors. She looked so sad.

I came home to an empty house and had actually been quite looking forward to the sense of freedom to do what I want. But, I’m now coming to realise that what I want is to be with my family, so I’m actually free to do anything else besides what I really want. And that’s what’s so weird.

Having children changes one’s life in ways that one can never really comprehend until one has children. Everyone says it’s a life-changing event, and pretty much no one would argue with that, but until it really happens, you just never really know. At least I didn’t.

It’s a right miserable day today, which does nothing to lift my spirits.

They are on a pretty long journey involving a train ride, a bus ride, a flight and then another flight (with baggage collection and check in between the two flights because it’s Ryanair). The second flight is about to leave and she hasn’t called. That just makes me feel more depressed. She forgot her mobile phone in the dash out the door this morning and I guess getting to a payphone with two kids and luggage is too difficult. I’ve already been to the post office to mail the phone and charger to her so that at least she’ll have it for the way back.

So this is only day 1 and I’m feeling dejected already. Maybe it will get easier as I get my head stuck back into my work again, and I’ve got some things lined up for the evenings to keep me from moping at home.

I’m a family man now, and I wouldn’t be anything else. I miss my family and hope that they’re having an okay trip. They were all tired and our 2-year old has a stinker of a cold. When she’s tired, she gets crabit and stops cooperating. And so, back to my work then with the the phone by my side. I guess I won’t hear from them now until they reach grandma’s. Sigh.

Comments

  1. You know, I do this all the time. My husband will take our 3 to his mom’s house for a few days after tiring of my incessant whining and complaining about never being alone. By the first night, I am so sad. Not depressed or lonely, sad and empty. I can’t imagine a life without them in it. The silence feels like it will overtake me. Yet, when they are here, the sounds are deafening. I guess I am just never happy, huh? Hope you started to feel better and enjoy your time alone.

  2. Thanks for the comment. I totally understand what you mean. My 3 come back tomorrow night so only one more night to go. I just watched a terrific BBC drama called Born Equal that really made me think of how much I love my family.

    Four characters living in one neighbourhood in London, all livingdramatically different lives, all of them on the edge see their storiesunfold and their worlds gradually move together until, in an explosivefinale, these worlds collide.

    Colin Firth plays a wealthy city banker who is suddenly plunged intoguilt about his luxurious lifestyle: as he tries to change his life hegets caught up in a tense and emotional relationship with a youngrunaway teenager, Zoe (Nichola Burley). Michelle, played by Anne-MarieDuff, is hiding in a hostel as she awaits the birth of her next child.Robert, played by Robert Carlyle, is in the same hostel, having justbeen released from prison, and is now filled with a dangerous andburning anger. Also in the hostel is Yemi (David Oyelowo) who has justreceived terrifying news about what is happening to his family inNigeria.

    Actually, the write up doesn’t really sum it up very well. It was moving.

    Anyway, I’m glad they’re all coming back to me tomorrow. I didn’t get nearly as much work done as I would have liked, but there are more important things than that, right?