I’m so profoundly sad today. It really makes it hit home how much my wife means to me. Without her, my life has no meaning; no context. Is there a reason that this had to happen. According to what I’ve learned in AA, there is: it’s God’s plan; it’s a test; I don’t have to drink.

How could such a good day turn so sour so quickly? And what is my part in it all? Yes, I was defensive. I was a stupid prick and shouldn’t have parked where I did. But I was late and you all know how I hate being late. I guess I can’t blame anyone for that (but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to). So I grabbed a space on a piece of rough ground, mine being one of many cars parked in such a way so as to make it look legitimately like parking spaces. The mig said it was a pavement but there was nothing to indicate that; as I said, rough ground. Plenty of room to walk past on the ‘pavement’; not blocking anything; the ground could not be used for any other purpose than parking a car there. But having said all that, I still knew that it wasn’t a parking space and decided that, rather than going even farther away to find a ‘proper’ space and pissing off the person who was waiting for me by being even more late, I’d take the chance. If I’d done that and got caught, well, fair enough. But I hadn’t got caught. I was standing directly across the road listing to my friend prattling on when I saw the police car drive by. “Best keep an eye out for them coming back”, I thought to myself, all the while wishing my friend would cease her prattling and let me get back to my car before they came back again. But she just kept on and on. Then those stealthy fuckers did come back, but not in their car and not from the direction I was expecting. They’d parked further up and walked down. I saw them at my car and ran across to explain that I was just leaving and was only talking to my friend across the road. But the fucker was a Luxembourgish fucker and obviously though I was some foreign prick trying to speak French when it should really be Luxembourgish and speaking his ‘language’ as I’m in his country. Well, that’s how I’d like to believe it was anyway. It was THAT that pissed me off and made me angry. It sent me into one of my downward spirals that’s so hard to get out of. My friend was like “never mind, you got the house and it doesn’t really matter and ya-di-ya-di-ya”. But AA speak just bounces right off me when I’m in the fog (just as any other kind of speak does, too for that matter).

I drove home slowly, listening to the Digital Story and trying to shake off the fog when all I really felt like doing was wallowing in it (why do I still do that?) I stopped in the chateau car park for 10 minutes before going home, breathing in the cool night air and trying to get some perspective and wondering whether to tell my wife about the ticket. I decided that I should and would.

I got home, let her know and got the expected reaction. Now I’m profoundly sad and I don’t know what to do about it. I guess, as AA says, this too shall pass (shouldn’t that be “will pass”?) Of course I reacted wrongly, defensively. I tried to “promptly admit it” but ended up making it worse. And that’s why I run away. When I’m still in the fog and perspective is warped, there’s just no point in trying to deal with it. Making me feel worse just, well, makes me feel worse. I’m not going to agree that I was wrong and I deserved it when all I can see in my mind’s eye is a nazi cop out to piss people off and not listen to reason. Of course I know that that’s not how it was, but that’s how it seems when I’m in the fog and I just can’t see it otherwise until everything gets back down to the right proportions. I was parked on waste ground for fuck’s sake, not harming anybody and was STOOD ACROSS THE FUCKING ROAD. See, even now it makes me want to shout and jump up and down at the injustice of it all and how unfair it all is. So, that’s the mood I’m in and you can imagine how it makes me feel to have my wife tell me that I shouldn’t have parked there and that the mig is just doing his job. DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? But I’m not about to admit it when I’m in the fog, am I? All I want is a hug and some love because I’m upset and angry, and mainly upset and angry at myself, but you do have to agree that there is some injustice there too, don’t you think?

Anyway, I have to stop thinking about it now or I’ll never get out of it. I’ve had fuck all sleep because of this playing in my mind and it’s really not that important. Why am I making into something important?